I wanted to let you guys know what I'm thinking and what is going on with my stream. The past couple months I have been finding it harder and harder to get excited for stream. It has felt more and more like a chore and has been less and less about having fun. I originally started streaming to make some friends and meet people in the Dota 2 community. I moved around a lot and found it difficult to make new friends and thought this could be a great way for me to do so. Since I moved to the states I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my time. Its been very difficult for me to balance streaming every day and exploring my new environment. I am sure you guys have noticed me get more and more frustrated. I find myself wondering who I am after stream. I am not usually that easily frustrated or that angry. Mostly I just feel like I let you guys down. My stream should be somewhere you go for entertainment and some fun at the end of the day. Anyways I have spent the last week relaxing and seeing if these feelings were what I was actually feeling or just being burnt out. I can say that I haven't missed it at all minus the amazing people I have met. I have spent more time on Twitch talking to other streamers and playing other games. I have just been overall a lot happier this past week.
With that said. I want to let you guys know I am not going to be streaming anymore. I have been streaming for 1.5 years now and it has been an amazing journey but I think I need to move forward with my life. I am most sad that I will lose easy contact with a lot of the great people I met. But I will be around Twitch all the time and I will still keep up my Twitter and Instagram but just turn them into personal ones! Maybe the occasional surprise stream but don't count on it. You guys are the best. You all played a part in the happiness I found and I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
I just want to thank all my supporters from the bottom of my heart. I never thought I would receive as much love as I did and I'm so thankful. I wish you all the very best and I hope to see some of you at TI5 or around Twitch.
From the bottom of my heart <3
Mackenzie
Monday, June 29, 2015
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Hi guys,
It has taken me awhile to decide to blog again. Mostly because I was in a particularly salty mood lately and didn't want it reflected too much in my blog. The internet is permanent and all that.
I thought I would talk about something I have struggled a lot with in the last few weeks. It is actually something I noticed because I started playing solo ranked again in an attempt to improve my personal skills. It is this feeling that I have no voice and a lack of respect. I recognize that no one listens to anyone else in DotA in general. But I have a hard time even communicating basic things to my teammates. It is because the reaction is almost always "OMG GRILL". After that you either get someone who flames you all game and explains your lack of talent with owning a vagina OR you get the overly nice, overly sexual teammate. It is very rare in my games that I use voice chat and get no reaction at all. I remember one game I picked Broodmother and had a teammate follow me around all game saying "Hi mami" "sexy mami". These experiences led to the decision to not use voice chat when I am playing alone. Mostly I just don't say a word all game now because I know no matter how hard I try to communicate, people will not read their chat or understand what I mean by my pings. I think this is a big reason why I'm struggling to lead my team to victory in my bracket. But I'll keep trying!
When I first started streaming, I weighed the pros and cons. One of the things I thought was a positive was that I would be able to have more of a voice in the community. In many aspects this is true. I have had opportunities I wouldn't have had if I was not a streamer. Something I am genuinely grateful for. However, I have noticed in the last few months that there is also a hidden side to twitch that has been wearing on me. I find myself regularly triggered by this feeling that I have no voice and no respect. I will freely admit that I have overreacted many times when I have felt this. At times it feels like a different person is having this reaction and I'm just sitting back and watching it. I have tried to explain this feeling to my viewers a number of times but feel like I always fall short. But then one of my regulars (I cannot remember who... please forgive me for this; I have a terrible memory when it comes to these things) stated something recently that actually resonated a lot with how I felt. It was that there is a different attitude of the viewers in a girls stream than in a mans. I'm not talking about the blatant sexual comments or the white knights. I'm talking about the kind of back seat gaming that occurs. I recognize that backseat gaming happens in every channel. It is the tone of the "advice" people are trying to give me that is different. It is with an air of condescension and pity. The idea is swimming in some people's heads that I am some poor girl who needs to be shown the light and they are the man to do it! There is no discussion. It is not brought up to me in a respectful manner. Instead it is demanded and if I do not give in like the good woman I should be, I am met with harsh criticism and scorn. Being the person I am, I have a tendency to get defensive and impassioned whenever I experience this brand of backseating. I'm sure many of my regulars have seen this reaction. I am genuinely sorry for this. It is something I reflect on a lot and have been trying to let go of. I've always cared too much about what people think of me! A lot of the time, I know that it is not intentional by some viewers. They are just genuinely trying to help me and they don't understand that I already know a lot of the things they are trying to explain and that their tone is seen as condescending by me. I don't blame you. It really is just a product of how our society labels sex and the roles we are supposed to play. This post is for these people. The viewers who are genuinely good and understanding and don't realize the impact of their words on the streamers they watch. Tone is everything!
Somehow, these blog posts always end up painfully personal. I've always been an open person and share my feelings without thinking of the consequences. The hope is that my viewers will get a deeper insight into the person I am, and find it in their hearts to show me some patience. We are all only human after all <3
When I first started streaming, I weighed the pros and cons. One of the things I thought was a positive was that I would be able to have more of a voice in the community. In many aspects this is true. I have had opportunities I wouldn't have had if I was not a streamer. Something I am genuinely grateful for. However, I have noticed in the last few months that there is also a hidden side to twitch that has been wearing on me. I find myself regularly triggered by this feeling that I have no voice and no respect. I will freely admit that I have overreacted many times when I have felt this. At times it feels like a different person is having this reaction and I'm just sitting back and watching it. I have tried to explain this feeling to my viewers a number of times but feel like I always fall short. But then one of my regulars (I cannot remember who... please forgive me for this; I have a terrible memory when it comes to these things) stated something recently that actually resonated a lot with how I felt. It was that there is a different attitude of the viewers in a girls stream than in a mans. I'm not talking about the blatant sexual comments or the white knights. I'm talking about the kind of back seat gaming that occurs. I recognize that backseat gaming happens in every channel. It is the tone of the "advice" people are trying to give me that is different. It is with an air of condescension and pity. The idea is swimming in some people's heads that I am some poor girl who needs to be shown the light and they are the man to do it! There is no discussion. It is not brought up to me in a respectful manner. Instead it is demanded and if I do not give in like the good woman I should be, I am met with harsh criticism and scorn. Being the person I am, I have a tendency to get defensive and impassioned whenever I experience this brand of backseating. I'm sure many of my regulars have seen this reaction. I am genuinely sorry for this. It is something I reflect on a lot and have been trying to let go of. I've always cared too much about what people think of me! A lot of the time, I know that it is not intentional by some viewers. They are just genuinely trying to help me and they don't understand that I already know a lot of the things they are trying to explain and that their tone is seen as condescending by me. I don't blame you. It really is just a product of how our society labels sex and the roles we are supposed to play. This post is for these people. The viewers who are genuinely good and understanding and don't realize the impact of their words on the streamers they watch. Tone is everything!
Somehow, these blog posts always end up painfully personal. I've always been an open person and share my feelings without thinking of the consequences. The hope is that my viewers will get a deeper insight into the person I am, and find it in their hearts to show me some patience. We are all only human after all <3
Monday, May 25, 2015
I have been thinking about writing for a long time. The recent discussions about girl streamers on Twitch and my own personal frustrations have led to me starting this blog. I apologize in advance if some of you see this post as overly negative but it is just the state of my mind lately.
I have been streaming for over a year now and the hardest part has been not giving up. You would get the super highs that would make you feel on top of the world and the major lows where you think of never streaming again. This will be no surprise to my viewers but lately I've been in a slump. This is because of a variety of reasons. Namely, I'm under a lot of personal stress and I've had trouble seeing improvement in my own game play. When you feel like your stream is growing slowly or "dying" you search for reasons why you are inadequate or what you are doing wrong. You also look to other streams and wonder how they are growing faster than you, why they have more positive support...etc etc etc... It is easy to get lost in what your stream should be instead of being yourself. It is hard not to notice that the community often values the size of your boobs or how much skin is showing, rather than what your game knowledge is or how much you care about the community. There have been times where I considered "selling out" to help my stream grow faster and build a larger community. My ultimate goal was to make friends in DotA and maybe have the opportunity to meet some of the pro players and other big names in the scene, so I felt like how the community viewed me was very important. Maybe this is naive thinking.
On those days where I felt inadequate and saw certain kinds of streams growing while I struggled, I questioned why it was so important for me to remain true to who I am as a person. What was more important to me? Being myself or building my stream? Every time someone came into my stream and compared to me someone else, it hurt me more than I cared to admit. Twitch creates this illusion that if you do not have the viewers and followers then you are not interesting enough or good enough. I'm sure this is especially hard on women as our looks are a huge part of whether we get viewers or not. Mostly I am just disappointed. I thought after I demonstrated my love for the game and showed my true self that more people would embrace my stream and me as a person. Unfortunately, streaming has left me feeling inadequate.
Early on in my streaming, I thought it would be a great idea to make friends with other girl streamers and build a network where we could all grow together. I have been lucky enough to meet a few great girls (who I can't wait to meet at TI5). But I have also experienced some behind the scenes sabotage and drama. There was a time where I would host people regularly trying to support their stream and grow together. Unfortunately this opinion was not shared by everyone I supported so now I limit my open encouragement to people who have been genuine friends to me. I think this is really sad. In an environment where women are already getting harassed by the community we should be trying to buoy each other up and be strong together instead of tearing each other down. I'm still searching for those people.
I want to just end this post with that. I have lots more "musings" for you guys down the road. I will try to post semi-regularly and maybe you guys will have the chance to see the real Mackenzie.
I have been streaming for over a year now and the hardest part has been not giving up. You would get the super highs that would make you feel on top of the world and the major lows where you think of never streaming again. This will be no surprise to my viewers but lately I've been in a slump. This is because of a variety of reasons. Namely, I'm under a lot of personal stress and I've had trouble seeing improvement in my own game play. When you feel like your stream is growing slowly or "dying" you search for reasons why you are inadequate or what you are doing wrong. You also look to other streams and wonder how they are growing faster than you, why they have more positive support...etc etc etc... It is easy to get lost in what your stream should be instead of being yourself. It is hard not to notice that the community often values the size of your boobs or how much skin is showing, rather than what your game knowledge is or how much you care about the community. There have been times where I considered "selling out" to help my stream grow faster and build a larger community. My ultimate goal was to make friends in DotA and maybe have the opportunity to meet some of the pro players and other big names in the scene, so I felt like how the community viewed me was very important. Maybe this is naive thinking.
On those days where I felt inadequate and saw certain kinds of streams growing while I struggled, I questioned why it was so important for me to remain true to who I am as a person. What was more important to me? Being myself or building my stream? Every time someone came into my stream and compared to me someone else, it hurt me more than I cared to admit. Twitch creates this illusion that if you do not have the viewers and followers then you are not interesting enough or good enough. I'm sure this is especially hard on women as our looks are a huge part of whether we get viewers or not. Mostly I am just disappointed. I thought after I demonstrated my love for the game and showed my true self that more people would embrace my stream and me as a person. Unfortunately, streaming has left me feeling inadequate.
Early on in my streaming, I thought it would be a great idea to make friends with other girl streamers and build a network where we could all grow together. I have been lucky enough to meet a few great girls (who I can't wait to meet at TI5). But I have also experienced some behind the scenes sabotage and drama. There was a time where I would host people regularly trying to support their stream and grow together. Unfortunately this opinion was not shared by everyone I supported so now I limit my open encouragement to people who have been genuine friends to me. I think this is really sad. In an environment where women are already getting harassed by the community we should be trying to buoy each other up and be strong together instead of tearing each other down. I'm still searching for those people.
I want to just end this post with that. I have lots more "musings" for you guys down the road. I will try to post semi-regularly and maybe you guys will have the chance to see the real Mackenzie.
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