It has taken me awhile to decide to blog again. Mostly because I was in a particularly salty mood lately and didn't want it reflected too much in my blog. The internet is permanent and all that.
I thought I would talk about something I have struggled a lot with in the last few weeks. It is actually something I noticed because I started playing solo ranked again in an attempt to improve my personal skills. It is this feeling that I have no voice and a lack of respect. I recognize that no one listens to anyone else in DotA in general. But I have a hard time even communicating basic things to my teammates. It is because the reaction is almost always "OMG GRILL". After that you either get someone who flames you all game and explains your lack of talent with owning a vagina OR you get the overly nice, overly sexual teammate. It is very rare in my games that I use voice chat and get no reaction at all. I remember one game I picked Broodmother and had a teammate follow me around all game saying "Hi mami" "sexy mami". These experiences led to the decision to not use voice chat when I am playing alone. Mostly I just don't say a word all game now because I know no matter how hard I try to communicate, people will not read their chat or understand what I mean by my pings. I think this is a big reason why I'm struggling to lead my team to victory in my bracket. But I'll keep trying!
When I first started streaming, I weighed the pros and cons. One of the things I thought was a positive was that I would be able to have more of a voice in the community. In many aspects this is true. I have had opportunities I wouldn't have had if I was not a streamer. Something I am genuinely grateful for. However, I have noticed in the last few months that there is also a hidden side to twitch that has been wearing on me. I find myself regularly triggered by this feeling that I have no voice and no respect. I will freely admit that I have overreacted many times when I have felt this. At times it feels like a different person is having this reaction and I'm just sitting back and watching it. I have tried to explain this feeling to my viewers a number of times but feel like I always fall short. But then one of my regulars (I cannot remember who... please forgive me for this; I have a terrible memory when it comes to these things) stated something recently that actually resonated a lot with how I felt. It was that there is a different attitude of the viewers in a girls stream than in a mans. I'm not talking about the blatant sexual comments or the white knights. I'm talking about the kind of back seat gaming that occurs. I recognize that backseat gaming happens in every channel. It is the tone of the "advice" people are trying to give me that is different. It is with an air of condescension and pity. The idea is swimming in some people's heads that I am some poor girl who needs to be shown the light and they are the man to do it! There is no discussion. It is not brought up to me in a respectful manner. Instead it is demanded and if I do not give in like the good woman I should be, I am met with harsh criticism and scorn. Being the person I am, I have a tendency to get defensive and impassioned whenever I experience this brand of backseating. I'm sure many of my regulars have seen this reaction. I am genuinely sorry for this. It is something I reflect on a lot and have been trying to let go of. I've always cared too much about what people think of me! A lot of the time, I know that it is not intentional by some viewers. They are just genuinely trying to help me and they don't understand that I already know a lot of the things they are trying to explain and that their tone is seen as condescending by me. I don't blame you. It really is just a product of how our society labels sex and the roles we are supposed to play. This post is for these people. The viewers who are genuinely good and understanding and don't realize the impact of their words on the streamers they watch. Tone is everything!
Somehow, these blog posts always end up painfully personal. I've always been an open person and share my feelings without thinking of the consequences. The hope is that my viewers will get a deeper insight into the person I am, and find it in their hearts to show me some patience. We are all only human after all <3
When I first started streaming, I weighed the pros and cons. One of the things I thought was a positive was that I would be able to have more of a voice in the community. In many aspects this is true. I have had opportunities I wouldn't have had if I was not a streamer. Something I am genuinely grateful for. However, I have noticed in the last few months that there is also a hidden side to twitch that has been wearing on me. I find myself regularly triggered by this feeling that I have no voice and no respect. I will freely admit that I have overreacted many times when I have felt this. At times it feels like a different person is having this reaction and I'm just sitting back and watching it. I have tried to explain this feeling to my viewers a number of times but feel like I always fall short. But then one of my regulars (I cannot remember who... please forgive me for this; I have a terrible memory when it comes to these things) stated something recently that actually resonated a lot with how I felt. It was that there is a different attitude of the viewers in a girls stream than in a mans. I'm not talking about the blatant sexual comments or the white knights. I'm talking about the kind of back seat gaming that occurs. I recognize that backseat gaming happens in every channel. It is the tone of the "advice" people are trying to give me that is different. It is with an air of condescension and pity. The idea is swimming in some people's heads that I am some poor girl who needs to be shown the light and they are the man to do it! There is no discussion. It is not brought up to me in a respectful manner. Instead it is demanded and if I do not give in like the good woman I should be, I am met with harsh criticism and scorn. Being the person I am, I have a tendency to get defensive and impassioned whenever I experience this brand of backseating. I'm sure many of my regulars have seen this reaction. I am genuinely sorry for this. It is something I reflect on a lot and have been trying to let go of. I've always cared too much about what people think of me! A lot of the time, I know that it is not intentional by some viewers. They are just genuinely trying to help me and they don't understand that I already know a lot of the things they are trying to explain and that their tone is seen as condescending by me. I don't blame you. It really is just a product of how our society labels sex and the roles we are supposed to play. This post is for these people. The viewers who are genuinely good and understanding and don't realize the impact of their words on the streamers they watch. Tone is everything!
Somehow, these blog posts always end up painfully personal. I've always been an open person and share my feelings without thinking of the consequences. The hope is that my viewers will get a deeper insight into the person I am, and find it in their hearts to show me some patience. We are all only human after all <3
B L O G G I R L S. <---Sorry,obligatory dank meme-age.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I have had you followed on twitch for awhile now and never really watched your stream, Wish I had more time to express my thoughts/feelings/comments right now but I WILL watch your stream now whenever you stream. My user name is Pocket951 on twitch. Hopefully I'm not throwing myself under a bus.
I am a twitch fiend and I usually have 3 or 4 streams open at once, that being said I notice alot of the douche baggery that you get from other players and viewers. I don't get why so many fuckheads come into chat asking to show tits like it is chaturbate or something. Women are people like everyone else in the world and yes they need to be treated with respect and dignity.
ReplyDeleteI am always suprised when I come across a girl in any game I play because it just seems so rare in a male dominated hobby, however, just because there is a girl in my game doesn't mean I treat them any different than any other gamer. In my experience with twitch streams and backseat gaming, I see that it is most commonly dealt with through timeouts or bans, and it is generally speaking, heavily frowned upon.
as a 3.3k carry player I don't necessarily always know what to build on supports or what to build for early game, since stylistically I like greed and long/drawn out games,alot of times I just end up asking in game because there always seems to be so many options unless I am playing a hero I know very well.
I am actually annoyed by the fact that most girl streamers play support role and ONLY support and Its kind of boring to watch. I think it is much more entertaining to watch when there is variety. If a guy can do it, so should a girl, it shouldn't matter what your gender is. You should be able to do what ever the fuck you want and if anyone tells you otherwise just ignore them.
I as a viewer also rarely ever backseat, I learned that it is much better to ask a question to invite discussion about what the streamer/chat. feels about item x or y or why they prefer item Z. so that way people can freely express and share their opinions.
I don't know, that's just my 2 cents on twitch chat experience and playing dota.